Man's Search for Meaning

 

This book was recommended to me about ten years ago.  I picked it up on a road trip and had it finished before I stepped off the plane.  It's a pretty quick read, but what you take from it really depends upon your station in life.  I've read this book three times.  Each time, my understanding was deeper, and I find myself referencing some of these thoughts on a daily basis.  The reason?  It's a book about hope, and the control that each of us has to choose the lenses that we see the world through.  It is one of those books that can be quite profound.  Like, you read a couple of passages and you start to reflect, and then whoa, it hits you deep and you have to think about it and how you can apply it to your own life.
I've been told that I am a thinker.  I've also been told I'm a slow trickle.  I don't know, maybe that is true.  I often reflect deeply on the things in my life that I am passionate about, and I find it difficult to rest until I come up with solutions or ways to make sense of it all.  Viktor Frankl writes about his experience in a concentration camp.  The passage below is one of those profound ones that might leave you thinking too:

... We stumbled on in the darkness, over big stones and through large puddles, along the one road leading from the camp. The accompanying guards kept shouting at us and driving us with the butts of their rifles. Anyone with very sore feet supported himself on his neighbor's arm. Hardly a word was spoken; the icy wind did not encourage talk. Hiding his mouth behind his upturned collar, the man marching next to me whispered suddenly: "If our wives could see us now! I do hope they are better off in their camps and don't know what is happening to us."
That brought thoughts of my own wife to mind. And as we stumbled on for miles, slipping on icy spots, supporting each other time and again, dragging one another up and onward, nothing was said, but we both knew: each of us was thinking of his wife. Occasionally I looked at the sky, where the stars were fading and the pink light of the morning was beginning to spread behind a dark bank of clouds. But my mind clung to my wife's image, imagining it with an uncanny acuteness. I heard her answering me, saw her smile, her frank and encouraging look. Real or not, her look was then more luminous than the sun which was beginning to rise.
A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth -- that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way  – an honorable way  – in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment. For the first time in my life I was able to understand the meaning of the words, "The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory...."

Ummmm.....this just leaves me so humbled.  The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:13 that, "...now these three remain, faith, hope and love.  And the greatest of these is love."  One of my theology professors at Santa Clara introduced us to the Greek word for love, agape.  Agape love is God's perfect love...."for God so loved the world......"  Agape love is a tradition shared by eight of the world's religions.  Frankl was correct when stating that love is "proclaimed as the final wisdom of so many thinkers." 

Love is powerful.  Love transcends all things.   Even in the face of loss, love is the one thing, in my humble opinion, that does not change.  Our hearts are forever changed by love.  I guess most of us probably experienced this most profoundly at the birth of our children.  Quite possibly one of the biggest miracles I've ever witnessed, and undoubtedly, the most unconditional kind of love around.

This image of my three girls is one that I will carry for my entire life.  My favorite!

This might be the dumbest revelation ever, but I've come to realize that I am not in complete control of my own life.  There has to be a greater power at work.

These are the thoughts that have swirled in my head for quite some time.  "The image we carry of our beloved"....well, it's not just an image, it's the feelings of love and the laughter of moments that we've shared together that help us hope for what is yet to come.  At Christmas time this year, I was able to have a painting made for my friend Jennifer.  When Olivia passed, her heart was donated to a little boy in Hawaii.  The story behind this is incredibly moving.....a higher power was certainly at work.  I wanted to capture an image of Olivia that represented hope, that captured Olivia's spirit, and that might allow my friend to find fulfillment in the contemplation of an infinite glory.  My artist friend Jessica literally rocked my world with what she created.  

I for sure do not have all the answers.  Remember when you were a kid and you could lie on the grass and stare up at the clouds, designing all sorts of shapes?  Inevitably, these are the moments that make you realize how small you really are when compared to the universe.  I would highly recommend taking a peek at this book!

Partners in Pain

OK, so I'm new to this blogging thing, and I will admit, there's a certain kind of undue pressure that I'm putting on myself to keep ideas flowing on this blog.  It's been a while since I posted something.  It's not for a lack of things to say, it's for a lack of the pictures to go with it.  You know, words only say so much, it's really the pictures that people want to see. 
Additionally, the year's posts to date have sort of started out with some tear jerkers.  I know this because people are telling me that they always know to read my posts when no one else is around!  Oh my.  I promise it's not intentional, it's just the way that life has been lately.
Today we ran a race.  It was called Partners in Pain.  I suppose it's name might make some expect to hear another tear jerker of a story.  Partners in Pain is all about running 5K with a partner.  At the end, your combined score can earn you prizes....except that I've run this race many times and I've come to know for sure that me and my partner will NEVER win any running prizes.  Our prize is signing up for the race, actually showing up to run it, and checking it off the list of goals for 2011.  And, damn that feels good!

This is my partner.   He is a much faster runner than I am, but I still like him.  He still shows up to these race events with his Garmin on, sets the race pace he's looking for, has a strategy, and compares the stats from previous years so that he knows where he's been and where he could be.  In other words, he's such a GUY.
As for me, I used to follow this same mentality.  I mean, there was a time in my life where I was ultracompetitive and I really had a drive to train seriously and then get after it.  But these days, it's more about the event than the actual race.  Here's what I'm talking about:

Here's the whole group of us ladies who showed up to run Partners in Pain together.  Actually, I only knew that four of us were running.  I didn't realize we would have such a crowd.  But it sure was fun!

Here's Mel and Jen.  The Guerrero girls made this sign for them and came to cheer them on.  Jen's wearing Team Liv On, in honor of her daughter Olivia.  The run today was a chance for all of us to set a goal and then go out there and accomplish it, each at our own pace, and for our own purpose.  I cannot speak for anyone else, but my main goal today was to encourage my friend Jen to nourish her own soul through running some races this year.  Running and being outside just have a way of making you feel so alive.  The energy of a group of people who come together to conquer a road race is contagious.  Seeing the "real runners" with their singlets and super small running shorts as they start heading to the finish is inspiring.  Watching the group of ladies that I was part of conquer the course, each at their own pace, was equally inspiring to me.  We did it!  And for Jennifer, well, I saw her smile today and she meant it.  I also heard her say, "I've got to train for this next one."  This made me smile even bigger. 
The reality is, life is hard, and tragedies in our lives make it harder.  But, when you have a friend who, within hours of losing her daughter, was able to coin the term, "LIVE ON!"....well, it just sort of makes you want to work harder.  That is a special kind of person, and someone that I want to stick close to!  

I'll sign out with this final picture.  This is Jen and I, at age 14, at the Bloomsday finish.  My dad took this photo of us.  I'm trying to make sure the finish camera catches my wave, and Jen and I are holding hands pulling each other to the finish.  I find this picture just a tad symbolic of what life is like.  Thank God for friends who share a passion for life, and who are unafraid to reach out and pull each other along.  And sometimes, when the pain is really bad, that God gives us the strength to reach up and give a wave.  Jen, we are LIVING ON!  Thank you to all the ladies who showed up to run today.  See you in March at St. Paddy's Day Five!

Power of Giving

January at our house is birthday month.  To be honest, I wouldn't have picked January to give birth, except that when you are coaching a Division I soccer team, January fits right between fall and spring season, and is the best time to have a baby and still be back on the field in April to coach!  When my middle daughter started talking about what she wanted to do for her 11th birthday, I was pleased that her dad had suggested an indoor soccer birthday party, and even more pleased that she thought this was a great idea!  When our friends the Lee's heard this idea, they said, wouldn't it be fun to run a joint 11th birthday party?  The guest list would include the Spokane Shadow soccer team that both Payton and her friend Maddie play for, so why not join forces and make it a two for one?

Here's their Shadow team.  Maddie is on the far left, and Payton is fourth from the left.

The girls got busy planning out the party, and the moms started planning out the food, the drinks, and the invitations.  As we began to think about it, all of us came to the same conclusion.....wouldn't it be nice if instead of asking our guests to bring gifts, what if they brought a donation instead for a very special U10 Spokane Shadow soccer player who was tragically killed last June in a car accident?
This little girl, Olivia Chaffin, was a vibrant, athletic, energetic kid with a huge heart.  Her life has made such an impact on the Mead community that the Mead School District put together an education fund in her name, The Olivia Chaffin Memorial Fund, which will serve Mead students for years to come.

This is Olivia.

 Olivia's parents, Rick and Jennifer, are both Mead teachers.  Jennifer and I have been friends since we were eight years old.  To give words to what a tragedy this has been for this family is difficult to do.  That's why sometimes actions speak louder than words.  The Mead community, the Mead School District, and family and friends have tried to do whatever they can to lift this family up.  When it was decided that Payton and Maddie would collect donations at their party instead of gifts, my heart skipped a beat.  We know that none of this will bring Olivia back, but the power of giving and understanding the impact of that gift is one of the greatest lessons in life. 
The party went off great....perfect venue for a bunch of athletic little girls who love to run around and play soccer.  But the real prize came when it was time to open the donation envelope to see how much money Payton and Maddie would be donating to the fund.  The generosity of their friends, and their friends' parents was just incredible.

Last night, Payton and Maddie were invited to the Mead School District Board Meeting.  At the meeting, they presented a check for $400 to the Olivia Chaffin Memorial Fund.  The Board President told the crowd that there are a lot of bad things that go on in this world, but it is gestures like this one that renew our faith in people.  Another board member said, "Amen!"
As parents, we could not have been more proud of our girls for making this happen for Olivia and her family.  We are so thankful for the parents of Payton and Maddie's teammates who helped us put together a check for $400 to start out this fund.  This is a birthday that Payton and Maddie will remember for the rest of their lives.  I am one proud Mama!

Ba-bone, bone, bone, bone!

Whenever my husband answered his cell phone with, "Ba-bone, bone, bone, bone!", I smiled and knew exactly who it was on the other end.  Craig Hampton, nickname "Hambone", evolved down to, "Bone", and then eventually, extra syllables were added for effect.  The above photo was taken at my parents house at Christmas '92.  Craig used to come up to Spokane from Simi Valley every Christmas.  He would drive his blue Toyota pickup truck up through Utah to visit relatives, and then to Spokane to hang out and to ski Schweitzer.  Craig was a lovable guy....he had visited my parents home each time he came to visit, and my parents thought so much of him that they made these t-shirts for their dogs.  "Bone" and then "G-pa"....because, that year, Chris was the elder statesman on the Bronco's soccer team and the guys called him Grandpa and because Craig was "Bone".

Ahhh, here they are.  Stiles, Cochran, Hampton and Madsen who shared a house on College Ave with a pool table in the garage, cheap beer stocked in the fridge, and lots of late nights playing poker, street hockey, whiffle ball or whatever games they could dream up.  These were some great times.

Here's Craig and Chris on a hiking and camping trip to Yosemite.  We packed up there in August, and spent a freezing sleepless night, then awakened to a badger scraping at the sides of our tent....but the views were incredible, the jokes non-stop, and my sides hurt from laughing so much at the antics of these two.  Lucky me, I got to tag along with these two on many adventures.  Craig was a loyal friend and so much fun to be around.
Fast forward from the '90's to 2005.  I remember this timing distinctly because Lisa's health was deteriorating, and so was Craig's first marriage.  He called upon Chris in the middle of the night on several occasions, and it was at this time when he was really starting to have noticeable side effects from benign tumors in his back that had plagued him with back pain for quite some time.  Initially, we all wrote it off to the endless hours of driving that Craig put in as a salesman for a company based in Seattle.  But eventually, when his left leg started to go numb, well, it started to seem a little more serious.  In April of 2006, Craig joined us for Team Lisa.  He had a distinct limp by this time, and was definitely experiencing more issues with his back.
Within the next couple of years, so much happened for Craig.  He got remarried, moved to Seattle for a year, and then moved back in summer of 2009.  By that July, Craig could no longer walk on his own, and had to be in a wheelchair.  The tumors in his spine were no longer benign.  He had been diagnosed with peripheral nerve sheath sarcoma, a devastating cancer that had taken his legs away, and was beginning to take away feeling in his hands/arms too.

This is Madsen, Hampton, Broughton and Stiles at Craig's house in the fall of 2009.  The cancer had progressed and left Craig's face a bit paralyzed, and he was dealing with double vision.  The amazing part of the whole deal was that Craig never had self pity.  He was just dealing with things day to day, and could not wait for his friends to visit and take him gambling.  The guys in this picture......well, these are some of the greatest people on Earth.  Danny Madsen, on the left.....he and Craig are lifelong friends (more like brothers), and when Craig was sick, Dan flew up from the Bay Area on so many weekends that I lost count, just to be with his pal and help him pass the time.  And Bruce Broughton, well, how can you explain a guy who came with his kids and wife Colleen at least nine weekends in a row from Redmond, WA as things got really tough, so that they could be with Craig.  And that other guy on the right?  I have so much respect for his loyalty, his heart, and his ability to make people laugh.  Despite very tough conditions, Chris still knew how to care for Craig, and to make him laugh.
As all of us did what we could to help out Craig and his family, I wrestled with what I felt was unspoken for a time.  No one was saying that Craig was getting worse, fast.  Unfortunately, when you've seen this kind of thing before, the picture is a little clearer.  And so, without asking anyone's permission, I went through the list of Bronco soccer alum who played with Craig, and I sent out an e-mail explaining how sick I felt Craig was, and that I thought it would be great if everyone could gather in Spokane to rally around him.  Here's what happened next:

Yes, that's former national team and SCU coach, Steve Sampson, along with Broughton, Madsen, Hampton, M. Rast, C. Rast, Rueda, Gallo, Yamamoto and Robertson....the first of about 20 guys who flew in from all over the country to be with Craig.

Craig's 38th Birthday was December 17, 2009.  I'm not sure what the nurses on 7 South at Sacred Heart were thinking when 20 men, all of whom considered Craig their friend, showed up to see him.  Craig's spirits were so lifted by the outpouring of love, support, and friendshp.  It was very tough on all of us.  Entering Craig's room, you had to be able to put on a smile when he knew just who everyone was and brought up a special memory or time spent with each of these guys.  Upon exiting the room, the tears just flowed.  Here was a former national team level soccer player, a destroyer on the soccer field, who was weakened by a disease that was taking feeling from his body and causing visible pain and suffering.  I've never felt so proud to be part of a group of friends, a group of men, who clearly understand the power of friendship.  The love displayed here was incredible to witness.

Here are two people that I just have the most respect for.  The unconditional love and devotion they showed to their son Craig was amazing, and heart wrenching, to witness.  Sandy Hampton was at her son's side almost 24 hours a day.  She tended to his bed sores, massaged his hands, and arms, and legs.  She made sure he had lotion on his hands and face.  She made milkshakes for him daily, and she tirelessly cared for her son in a way that I'm not sure most people could endure.
Craig's journey ended a year ago today, on January 29, 2010.  Chris and I had been with him at Hospice House around 10 p.m. the evening before.  Craig allowed the two of us to stand on each side of him.  We each held one of his hands, and pressed in close, holding him and telling him how proud we were to be his friend.  We kissed him on the forehead and told him it was time for us to go.   Craig had told his Dad that evening that it was "time to go".  Four hours later, Craig passed away.

This is the group of men who shared a National Championship in 1989.  This is also the group of men who came to be with Craig when he needed them most.  I have so much love and respect for them all.

These are the Madsen's, Franny, Ryan and Dan.  The eulogy that Dan gave at Craig's funeral was, well, it was what you would come to expect knowing the friendship that Craig and Dan shared.  Not a dry eye left in the room.  It turns out love, loyalty and friendship are very special things.

And these are the Broughton's, Shane, Bruce, Colleen, Jill and Ben, who shared our home with us on at least 20 weekends from October 2009 through January 2010.  Selflessly, they drove for hours from Redmond to be here to help support Craig and his family, as well as us.  Colleen took most of these pictures, she loaded up on snacks and red wine from Trader Joe's when she came, and she negotiated relationships better than any of us could.  Love, love, love these people for teaching us what people should do when a friend is dying.  Incredible people.

This last picture I add not to be sensational, or to add in some kind of shock factor.  We've learned in the last couple of years that life also brings death.  You cannot live afraid to face it, and it takes courage to embrace it and still come out of it with your head held high.  Craig was not afraid.  He soaked up the blessings of his life, and all of those blessings were there for him at the end.  His sisters read to him from the Bible, his sweet parents cared for him tirelessly, his wife Kristina was his love, he told his daughters, Maddy and Sam how proud he was of them, and he made sure that they would be taken care of after he was gone.  And, his Bronco family was there for him through it all.
On the year anniversary of his passing, I am praying for those closest to him.  His parents, his wife Kristina, and his girls.  Craig Dean Hampton, aka, "Ba-bone, bone, bone, bone!", may you rest in peace.  We all loved you dearly.

We really miss her.....

This is a picture of Chris and his sister Lisa, in the parking lot of her apartment, "The Safeways", at Santa Clara University in 1989.  When I met Chris, I met Lisa too.  The two of them shared such an amazing bond.  She was his biggest cheerleader, and he was her biggest fan.  I always admired the way they took care of each other.  In fact, our first official date on Valentine's Day, 1990, was dinner prepared by Lisa in her tiny little apartment.  She fixed chicken parmigiana, and I still remember the tablecloth and the vase of flowers she had put together.  Chris would have never thought of those things, (and she knew it!), so she slyly took care of all the details....and was delighted to do it.
When Lisa was a senior at Santa Clara, I was a sophomore.  That year, she had to take a science class called, "Water, water, water.".  Lisa was super smart, but she insisted that I be her tutor, which meant that we met weekly at various locations around campus to "study".  Really, it turned into just a great chance to talk and hang out together.

 After college, we all eventually migrated back to Spokane.  Lisa was the first on either side of the family to have kids....and she and Joe patiently relented to our unannounced visits to their house during the first two years of Tyler's life.  Chris and I had a habit of showing up just after Lisa had put Tyler to bed, and she would always go get him up so that we could play!  After we became parents, we realized just how kind Lisa really was!  The above picture is at the beach at Priest Lake, around 2002.  Lisa is at the head of the table, hanging out at one of her most favorite places on Earth!  Seeing this picture, I realize this was just before Lisa was diagnosed with breast cancer.  In May of 2003, she was diagnosed with Stage IIb cancer.  I'll never forget the night before the final staging diagnosis....Lisa was a nervous wreck, and their dog Chloe was delivering her puppies!  Lisa tackled the initial diagnosis with incredible strength.  She rolled up her sleeves and went about her radiation, chemotherapy, and finally, mastectomy and reconstructive surgery with hardly a complaint.  In fact, to celebrate a year and a half of treatments, surgeries and recoveries, Lisa asked Chris and I if we would like to join her in running a marathon!  This was an opportunity that we could not turn down.  When someone you love has just conquered cancer and wants you to run a marathon with them, the only answer is YES!

After training from January through May with Lisa and her friend Debby, we finished the Capital City Marathon in May 2005.  Here we are at the finish line with Lisa.  The amount of respect I had for Lisa on this day......I'm not sure that I have known a tougher human being.  To endure the last year and a half that she had just had, and to kick cancer in the face by running a marathon just two years after her initial diagnosis...I mean, she was SUPERWOMAN!!!  The finish line meant so much to all of us that day!
And then, later that summer, Lisa and I were running up at Priest Lake.  She asked me whether I thought that the pain she was feeling in her abdomen could be due to a hernia, you know, based on having had major reconstructive surgery after her mastectomy.  It sounded logical to me, and she agreed that she was going to go to the doctor to have it checked out.  What happened within the next month just completely changed our lives forever.
On September 6, 2005, Lisa's doctor called to let her know that the breast cancer had become metastatic, and that it had traveled to her liver.  Her doctor informed her that she was terminal.  She might live through Christmas, but after that, they could not guarantee T-I-M-E.  For anyone and everyone that knew and loved Lisa, time stopped that day.  The days and weeks and months that followed were filled with agony and so much sadness.  Lisa was a warrior through it all.  Heartbreakingly, she remained so selfless during this time.....thinking of everyone else instead of herself.  But, that was just who she was.  Lisa celebrated another Christmas.  She got to ride in a limo with friends and family to see all of Spokane's Christmas lights.  But, shortly after the new year in 2006, things started to rapidly decline.  Chris and I spent the last week of her life with family and close friends visiting and taking care of her at her house, with Hospice guiding the way.  In the early morning hours of January 22nd, 2006, Lisa took her last breath.  She was only 36 years old.
In the days following Lisa's death, I think we were all just in a fog.  My husband's desire to keep Lisa's memory alive (especially for her three boys), led him to the Race for the Cure and the formation of TEAM LISA.  That April, 2006, over 800 people donned bright yellow t-shirts and helped us raise money for the fight against breast cancer......all running for TEAM LISA!

Record breaking first year in 2006!

More Team Lisa 2009

This past April 2010, the desire to keep Lisa's legacy alive resulted in the opening of the Lisa Stiles-Gyllenhammer Boys and Girls Club in Mead, WA.  Lisa's husband Joe has an incredible lifelong friend, Aaron Reilly, who spearheaded the committee for the creation of this Boys and Girls Club.  There have been many amazing moments in our lives, but the day that the lettering for the club went up on that brick building.......well, it was incredible.  For my nephews to grow up knowing what an impact their mom made on this world is incredibly powerful, and this place just makes that all the more possible.

At the grand opening ceremony, my husband was the last one to get up to speak.  I remember he told me that he had "dummied down the speech" so that it wouldn't get too emotional.  Well, problem was, when you love your sister the way Chris loved Lisa (and vice versa), emotional is the only way this thing was going to go.  The reality was, he couldn't even start the speech.  So, I did what any wife would do....I rallied the crowd with some clapping and yelled out, "YOU CAN DO IT!"  And so, Chris told the crowd a little bit about his sister, and the impact that he hoped the Boys and Girls club would have on our community.  And each time he had to pause to collect himself, we clapped!
Lisa was an amazing person.  We remember her every day, and miss her so much.  Her life was too short here on Earth.  And her death has taught us to remember that tomorrow is not a guarantee, so we must live today to its fullest.  Missoula Marathon, 2011, here I come....and Lisa will be with me, every step of the way!

Not trying to reinvent the wheel

Every night, I hate trying to think of different things to cook.  I'm always looking for great recipes.  So, I wanted to share this link to a blog I discovered.  The gals who write this blog swam in my master's swim class at Whitworth.  I think they've got a pretty cool thing going and I just had to share:

www.spokanedinnerclub.blogspot.com

You are gonna love it!

We're Turning 40 This Year!

Remember these sweet photo booths with the curtain in the background?  This is a picture of my friend Jennifer and I from junior high.  I guess it would have probably been 1983 or 1984.  The two of us had similar childhoods: two working parents, two sets of living grandparents, Sunday dinners at Grandma's house, and the comforts of knowing that you were loved unconditionally.  The similarities didn't end there though....we both loved to be outside!  We ran, we played soccer at recess, and we rode our bikes along the dirt trails between our two houses, usually one of us on the handle bars and the other one pedaling.  Footloose was our favorite movie that year, and the two of us memorized every song on the vinyl album.  I can still remember using Jennifer's crutches as our microphones while we sang our hearts out up in her room.  In fact, Jennifer's mom Paula gave our volleyball team access to a huge meeting room in the basement of the local credit union where she worked.  Our team, and our coaches, had a huge sleepover in the basement of the bank (go figure!) and the coaches taught us the line dance to Footloose.  I bet if you asked any of the girls we grew up with what "Tap, tap, over tap, over tap, Step Back" means, they would give you the biggest smile ever.  We stayed up all night learning those steps.  As we all move closer to turning 40, it's amazing to me how I can remember all of these moments.  And how they still make me smile.